My husband also doesn’t understand “the loss.” They say men process pregnancy and form their attachment on a different timeline than we do. Maybe that is true; maybe it’s not. Mine never saw the baby I lost on an ultrasound, so I think the whole experience is maybe too abstract for him.

I just wanted to say that I hear you and see you.

In October 2015, we found out that we were expecting again. The freight train of fear I initially felt when that plus sign showed up still rumbles through my chest 7 months into my pregnancy.

I find myself having a very difficult time, still, trying to fully embrace the tiny miracle growing within me. A constant fear that every appointment is going to end with me walking out of the doctor’s office embarrassed and ashamed that my body failed me again, mourning the loss of another child I will never embrace, afraid to continue on with my life. It is a fear that consumes my time and energy and prevents me from enjoying the experience of pregnancy.

I know that lots of women experience a miscarriage and seek comforting words and I wish that I could offer some. I have none to share. I can only hope that no one has to experience this the same way I have.

My miscarriage was technically an abortion I suppose, but to me it still counts. I was 21 and my rainbow son was 2 years old. I started having unusually heavy bleeding with no cramps after 2 months of no periods (I have PCOS so that’s not uncommon for me), then sharp pain that nearly rendered me unconscious. In the emergency room I had an ultrasound and it turned out I was pregnant, and the embryo had implanted partway into my fallopian tube. It didn’t appear that I was actively miscarrying because you could see the heartbeat still. But because I was bleeding so heavily, they feared my tube had ruptured, and I was rushed to emergency surgery. I had to have a D&C to save my life, and I lost my left fallopian tube. I woke up a few hours later feeling empty, even though I hadn’t even known I was pregnant until that day.

I now have 2 beautiful children, a 7 year old son and a 2 year old daughter, and I’m so grateful for them. I still miss the little boy I gave birth to when I was 15, who would be 10 this year, and the baby I didn’t know about until it was too late and it nearly killed me, who would be 4. I hesitate out of instinct when people ask me how many kids I have – it’s hard to explain that I have 2 children in my arms but 4 in my heart.

It doesn’t matter how long you knew your baby. If you wanted it, you loved it, and it hurts just the same to lose it, whether you ever got to lay eyes on it or not.

Janna I’m so sorry for your loss but huge congrats on your pregnancy. How exciting – bunches of love for sure!