Is It Rape If…
This article, Is It Rape If, has a trigger warning for sexual assault.
It was my first year at Fullerton Community College, the place I fondly refer to as high school with cigarettes, and I was 19 years old. There, I found solace with familiar faces, including the guy who took me to his senior prom. I'll call him Steve.
On March 25th, 1999 my best friend at the time Nick, had a few of us over to his grandparents’ house since they were out of town. We watched movies and had a few drinks. I was hoping Steve would follow me upstairs when I was heading to bed, and he did.
For the record, we had been intimate one time that previous November.
Soon after we entered the guest room, we started fooling around. After a little while, he put on a condom but lost his erection, so he took it off. We messed around some more, and then he got on top of me.
I said, “No, not without a condom!” He said, “Don't worry I'll pull out” while he put my hands behind my neck.
He then proceeded to get inside of me, “No, not without a condom” I repeated!
I said no but he did not care and he did not respect me and I lost control of the situation.
– Journal entry from March 31st, 1999
I didn't scream and I didn't fight. I didn't do anything but leave my body for a few moments.
It was as if I sunk deep into the mattress and was in some foggy place. How could this be happening? I wanted to have sex with him, but not like this.
It was over quickly, and I got up to get dressed and went downstairs. All I knew was that I wanted some fresh air.
I did go back upstairs a little while later and slept next to Steve that night. I didn't say anything to him or Nick in the morning about what had happened.
Life went on as normal, only it wasn't normal, and it never would be again.
Not long afterward I told Nick what had taken place. He didn't believe me. He said that if something like that had happened that I would've woken him up or cried out for help.
He made me question if my account of what happened was true. I started doubting myself and my story.
I shared what happened with another friend, and immediately said, “That’s rape.”
Rape?! I wanted to have sex with Steve, after all. He was my junior year prom date, and we had done countless plays together in drama class. I knew him. I trusted him. He did not rape me…or did he?!
After a few days, I felt the need to confront Steve. I remember I couldn't even look at him and I felt incredibly sick while I spoke.
The only thing that I wish I would've done better is – I was too nice.
There was so much I wanted to say but all I could say was how I wanted him out of my life, and he was wrong for not respecting me. He just agreed with me and left my house – but it's over!
– Journal entry from April 1st, 1999
There was no possible way I was returning to Fullerton College for the next school year because I never wanted to see Steve again. When a family member suggested I check out Colorado, I leaped at the opportunity. Much to the surprise of my family and friends, I left the only home I had ever known in Southern California just five months later.
Alone in Colorado, I started doubting myself again. Did it really happen? I wanted to have sex with him so how could I consider myself a victim? I know victims of sexual assault, and horrible things happened to them.
I stopped doubting myself after the first time I had consensual sex in Colorado and found myself shaking uncontrollably. I knew it wasn't because of what had just taken place, but because of what happened to me that one night in California.
The night I had been sexually assaulted.
The assault only lasted a minute, but the impact has continued for nearly 20 years. From weight gain to having severe anxiety during sexual encounters, Steve took something away from me that I can never get back.
I met my now husband soon after moving to Colorado and he was the first man, since the assault, who made me feel completely safe and secure. He still does to this day.
I'm not sure I would've shared my story if it wasn't for what happened just recently. Out of nowhere, Steve sent me a Facebook friend request.
The moment I saw it, I jumped up from my desk at work and went to my friend's cubical. She immediately asked what was wrong. I was in shock and felt violated all over again. The assault took place so long ago and yet I found myself sinking into that same fog instantly.
A week later, I got furious and found the courage to SCREAM. To finally just feel all of the rage and anger that had been building inside of me.
What Steve did to me was wrong. It didn't matter that I was naked or wanting to have sex. The second I said no, he should've stopped, and he never should've forced himself into my body.
It has taken me a very long time to be able to forgive – myself.
I forgive myself for ever questioning what happened and for not speaking out about it until now.
One of the main reasons I'm going public with my story is because it's prevalent. Date rape makes up 57% of rape cases in the USA. Regardless of what a woman is wearing, how she is acting, or her willingness to have sex in the first place, no will always mean no.
Rape is rape – no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
If you're reading this right now and can relate to my story, please know what happened to you wasn't right and you are not to blame. When you're ready, I hope you also find the courage to scream and then forgive yourself.
You’re worth it.
1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men are victims of sexual assault. Below are some supportive resources.
National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE
RAINN
Safe Horizon
Related: A Needed Conversation About Abusive Relationships And Sexual Assault (Plus Mommy Podcast episode)
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<3<3<3 Thanks from the bottom of my heart for sharing.
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I’ve been in this situation as well and I’ve questioned myself and what happened and what it meant numerous times over the past decade. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story — reading it made me feel validated.
Sharing it has been completely worth it when I know that it has helped others.
a great read… I am soo sorry this happened to you.. It’s soo hard to say the words ‘i was raped’ when you didnt actually fight someone off of you. which i suppose is the sense we think when we hear the words rape. I was 22 when the word rape hit me like a ton of bricks. I had went out to the bar with a guy i had sex with before… but this night was different.. I don’t remember any of it… I was drunk. Many of my friends think b/c of how fast i went from being o.k. to being extremelly drunk and passing out/throwing up that i might have been drugged. By him, we’ll never know…. But he took me home, despite my pleas i remember to just stay where i was at, which was a very good friends house. I remember them saying you’ll be fine, he’ll take you home… I don’t remember the drive home or even laying down in my bed.. I do remember waking up to him having sex with my body… that’s the simplest i can say it… my body, b/c it wasn’t me.. I remember saying no. Because in all truth, i liked someone else, i didn’t want him. but that’s all i remember. I recounted this the next day to a friend and i’ll never forget that moment where she said, he raped you. You were not in the frame of mind to consent to that! It still haunts me.. Although I confronted him years ago about it, it still sits on my chest like this elephant when i think about it. So thank you for your article and being open about the question ‘is it rape if’…..
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that happened to you!
“…having severe anxiety during sexual encounters.” I thought I was the only one. I thought I was psychotic, deeply broken, and completely alone.
You are not alone Audra.
You are amazing for sharing your story Jenn. So admirable! No means no even if things have already started. I know so many women who have been in this situation and it’s horrible! I only hope I can teach my boys to control themselves. I have never been sexually assaulted although I was nearly raped (by a woman actually) when I was in the Marines. I am so sorry you experienced this and I REALLY hope you shared your feelings with “Steve” when he tried to contact you on Facebook.
Thank you Elizabeth and I’m sorry you had such a scary experience. I hear what you’re saying about teaching your boys. I too feel it’s my responsibility to teach my son how not to rape, rather than just teaching our daughters how not to get raped. I did send Steve a Facebook message in response to his friend request. He read it but has yet to respond and I don’t ever expect that he will. He’s a coward.
Thank you for sharing your story. You put into words something I still struggle to.
Sending you LOVE Rayleen!
Reading this felt like I was reading a look back into my own life.
At 14, i had invited a friend over to watch movies, i had a boyfriend at the time and we had argued that day so my ‘friend’ said we’d have a chilled out night and would cheer me up. I’d had a crush on this guy since i started secondary school (uk) but he was years above me and would have never taken an interest…or so i thought.
He had asked me a few times previous to meeting up if i fancied some fun but i said no due to having a boyfriend.
I couldn’t believe this guy actually wanted me, fat little frumpy me! When he offered movie night, i presumed that would be all we did.
I was home alone and he made several attempts to kiss me. He ended up grabbing and turning my face to kiss him then he tried spooning with me and touching my chest and thighs. I told him to stop cause i was taken and that it was wrong. He kept giggling and trying to justify doing it. I panicked and just lay silent as he attempted to take off my jeans, i remember clinging to the belt hooks with my thums til they snapped. I couldn’t move with fear. He was laughing and about to start having sex with me and i said my final ‘no this is wrong! Stop this isn’t safe, please don’t’ to which he agreed, it wasn’t safe, he reached into his pocket (he was wearing his work uniform and had apparently ‘ran into his house for something before meeting me’) and pulled out a condom.
He proceeded to have sex with me and continued laughing. He finished and i cried. He said i should walk him to the door and he picked me up and squeezed me. He left and i tried to calm myself down from a panic attack. He returned 5/10 minutes later and when i answered the door he just picked me up again and said he missed ‘his special little princess’. He then left for good.
The week following, i told a friend what happened and they told my head teacher as they knew it was rape. She called my mum and i had to sit there as my mum burst into tears. The whole ride home she said nothing to me until we got home and she simply said ‘why would’t you scream? And did you lose your virginity to him’
I said i hadn’t as i’d lost it earlier in the year and that was it. For the following months my mum didn’t seem to believe me and was only angry at me for having sex. Only a few people believed me for the rest of my time at school, my bf dumped me and called me a lying whore, one of my closes friends said if i had no bruises then it wasn’t rape.
For the next 3 years i was so unsure, i sometimes have the occasional quick thought of doubt now, 6 years on. But at the 3 year mark, i had had 3 years of therapy to help me move on, and i watched the film ‘Dead Man Walking’ (sean penn and susan sarandon) and it made me thanful i had not turned him in to the police. He had a long time gf and lots of family and friends and was quite well respected within the community, i didn’t see why i should ruin his life when i refused to let him ruin mine anymore. As far as im aware the experience has shaken him quite a lot, he went to therapy not too long after i said my final words to him of ‘i said no! You took that from me! ‘
Watching that film made me feel such a weight lift off my shoulder, I forgave him for what he did to me. More importantly, i forgave myself. When i was 17 i was finally able to forgive the man who raped me. I have never to this day (another 3 years on at age 20) been more proud of myself.
My story was published on my favourite website ‘The Daily Love’ about 3 years ago and recieved so many inspiring comments that i saved and still read today whenever i feel bits of doubt or down about the situation.
I have got to the point where sometimes i go a whole day without thinking about it at all. A full 24 hours with essentially forgetting i was a victim. Because i am NOT a victim. I am a powerful and strong woman who can say 110% ‘i hate no one.’
I live my life hate and resentment free and in tern, i have freed myself from my past.
To all women with a similar story, be strong! You do not have to be a victim! You can overcome this with time! Do not waste time and energy doubting yourself! Love yourselves and always know you are NOT alone!
Thank you to anyone who reads my story. I don’t share it very often as i try not to dwell and most people find it quite upsetting, to me, it is now empowering.
Thank you Natalie for sharing your story and your very powerful message!! You are indeed a very strong woman.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are brave and hopefully you got a piece of yourself back! Steve may never respond, but your message to him will be with him the rest of his life… And he will have to live with the acknowledged truth. You did the right thing to respond to him! I don’t think I would have been able to and I admire your honesty and courage.
I have always felt really lucky in relation to men. I have placed myself in some really stupid situations and came out the other side without being hurt. To this day, I wonder how I could have been so foolish and not been seriously taken advantage of. I can’t say it was by my own personality or luck…
Thanks again for sharing. You add a valuable voice to the conversation.
Erin
Thank you so much Erin!
I was 15 when I lost my virginity to a man who was 24. I was going through a “rebel” stage I suppose and had met him while hanging out at a party with friends. I was under the influence of alcohol and marijuana at the time. I blamed myself, along with others, for years. It took until I was probably 20 to realize it wasn’t my fault. I was 15, I was still a child. He was 24, a grown man who should have known better. I was 15. I had lost my first love. I was being an idiot, doing stupid stuff, trying to figure out who I was in this world. That does not mean what happened to me was my fault. That does not make it ok.
When I was 18 and in the military I had another experience. Hanging out and having some drinks at a hotel with some friends a guy came on to me. The guy I was seeing wasn’t able to be there and I figured flirting wasn’t going to hurt anyone. As we all layer out around the hotel room for the night, he tried to kiss me. I kind of giggled uncomfortable, and he pushed harder. He then tried to get his hand in my pants. The only thing that stopped him was I began crying and it had caught the attention of a friend of mine. I made up some excuse to my friend and didn’t speak up then either. Once again I blamed myself. I had flirted with him right? I had been asking for it?
We have a lot of issues in the US concerning sexual assault. One being that people do not see the spectrum of what it could be. Another that it seems to be on the women. Don’t dress or act a certain way, you are asking for it. As a mother of a 5 year old girl it pains me to think I am going to have to teach her that way. That boys are not usually held accountable, that she has to watch how she acts and dresses because that is her burden. This story is amazing in the way you overcame and comes at an interesting time after the recent events that inspired the #YesAllWomen.
Samantha thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for all you went through. You’re right that people don’t see the spectrum. Thank you again!
I worked for a women’s shelter and rape resource last school year for my graduate internship. I worked in the shelter and in the court setting.
After last year, It still amazes me that women’s rights are not considered by most. Our culture has to change in order to realize that NO means NO 100 percent of the time. What is SO sad is that most women that I worked with did not even recognize that their rights were violated because of interactions similar to yours and because of the justice system. I have to say, If I were raped I would have second thoughts about going to court or even reporting the rape (as a crisis counselor, I would have to go though the process because I understand that my actions speak for many, but the scared woman in me would think otherwise). The justice system is broken where rape survivors are concerned. The shame one goes through in order to get justice is the reason why so many rape cases are dropped.
You are a brave woman! I’m so glad you put this out there. It’s never too late to advocate and get help. I have had women seek help for the first time from past sexual assault and abuse that took place over 20 years ago. It’s really never to late to reclaim your life after sexual assault.
FIY-I’m plus size TTC and I have enjoyed your blog posts! There’s not much out there for us. Most of the articles that mention overweight women and TCC fill me with SO MUCH FEAR. I couldn’t sleep and came here remind myself that I’m not alone. 🙂
Priscilla thank you for sharing that. It doesn’t seem right or fair but we live in a society where victim blaming is rampant. Congrats on TTC and I’m glad you’ve found my work to be helpful. Sending you lots of ***baby dust*** your way!
Oh Jen!
You are such a strong person, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Once again, you are helping others with your experiences. Look how many women are able to share their story, just here on your page. Hugs to you girl! XO
Thanks Kim XO
Thank you for this. I read it every time you share it. I was raped by a “friend” and became pregnant. I had many calling me a slut, telling me to abort, and even my own grandmother wished a miscarriage on me. Not one of these people believed it was a rape, because I knew him. I invited him over. I didnt call the cops. I wasn’t injured…
I was raped, and I am the only one who needs to believe it. However, it did bring my my greatest joy, my daughter Harmony. THANK YOU for sharing your story! People need to understand that rape is rape.
You’re amazing Shalyn!
I have been raped by most of the men I’ve been with, because I was trying to find love and didn’t think that it was rape, because I sought them all out for companionship. I had the sexual assault detective for my area ignore my calls and felt utterly alone in my experience until after I was in a committed, truly loving relationship. I wish I had known I wasn’t at fault because it really affected my self esteem, but now I am able to share my experience and help others.
Liz your story breaks my heart. The fact that you were ignored when you reached out for help is appalling. Though the fact that you’re now able to help others lifts my spirits! Thank you for sharing.
I’m sorry, but you saying you were raped is silly. You wanted him to follow you. Got naked. Fooled around. Sorry but you really tried to milk this. You could have ruined someone’s entire life and future throwing that word around because you felt bad. Lame.
It doesn’t seem like you’re sorry, Jessica. You felt compelled to comment something so cruel on a stranger’s blog. I’m sorry, truly, that you’re hurting, and I wish you all the best!