plus size mom holding baby

My Breastfeeding Detour: When Expectations Meet Reality

I’ll be honest: I sometimes judged mothers I saw in public who gave their babies formula before I had my son.

My mom taught me the importance of natural birth and breastfeeding from a very young age. There's a picture of me breastfeeding one of my baby dolls when I was two and a half.

During my pregnancy, I had the utmost faith in my large breasts. And rather than taking a class, had two breastfeeding books on my nightstand.

I went into labor three weeks earlier than expected.

Only one book had been opened with a bookmark on chapter two.

plus size mom holding baby

My Breastfeeding Detour

Braeden's birth was beyond anything I could've imagined, and I was amazed by my body's strength.

But we never foresaw what happened next because during labor, everyone kept telling us he was “term” and there shouldn’t be any complications.

It’s inconceivable how quickly the happiest moment in your life can turn into the scariest.

Within twenty-four hours, Braeden was in the NICU.

He did all of the things preemies often do: not being able to regulate blood sugar, jaundice, weight loss, and infection concerns.

Even through this, my expectation of breastfeeding my child did not falter.

I did not expect my ability to breastfeed would be detoured. 

While in the NICU, I’d strip down, not caring who was around, to provide my son with skin-to-skin contact and attempt breastfeeding.

We were only given thirty minutes every three hours to hold him. I had fifteen minutes to bond while trying to breastfeed. And saved the last fifteen minutes for a Supplemental Nursing System (SNS).

We fed our son a syringe full of my pumped breast milk.

My husband and I made a great team. We even taught one of the pediatric nurses working on the NICU floor how to do SNS feedings.

After twenty-four hours in the NICU, followed by two nights and three days in the hospital, a lot of time spent with lactation nurses, and one meeting with a pediatrician, we were sent home.

We were told to wake our son for feedings every two-three hours. But he didn’t need to continue with SNS feedings because he had a “perfect latch.”

baby nursing plus size mom

Once home, I sought breastfeeding advice from my doula and contacted the La Leche League. I had my mother's “hands-on” support and was renting a hospital pump.

My supply just seemed to be dwindling.

Why oh why didn’t I take a breastfeeding class?

After two days of being parents on our own, we ended up back in the hospital.

This was due to Braeden’s jaundice getting worse and 15% weight loss.

I was a new mom full of guilt because I was unintentionally starving my infant.

I was so dedicated to breastfeeding that I wrote the note below on the whiteboard in our hospital room before any nurse had the opportunity to mention formula.

After three more nights in the hospital, we were released. This time we had a strong plan that included SNS feedings and a follow-up appointment.

no formula note

It wasn’t until the follow-up appointment, 9 days after Braeden’s birth, that a nurse realized that the “perfect latch” didn’t have much behind it. She handed me a nipple shield, and I can’t even describe how amazing it was to finally feel my son pull at my nipple.

We were required to bring our son to bi-weekly weight checks to prove he was thriving. This was emotionally taxing, but his weight was slowly increasing, although not quite fast enough. We were told we had to start supplementing with formula.

As a new parent, still reeling from the guilt of starving my son, I was devastated but willing to do anything to see a strong weight gain.

We initially requested a milk bank prescription but were told we couldn’t have one because it was against their policy. We looked into it independently but realized we couldn’t afford it.

I kept pumping and gave him as much as I could produce along with the formula.

The formula immediately plumed him up, and after four more weight checks, we were cut free from the medical system. We could finally just go to regular pediatric appointments like most parents experience.

Over the next two months, I researched and sought a lot of advice: I popped Fenugreek round the clock, drank Mother’s Milk Tea, pumped after every feeding, tried pumping while nursing, and weaned my son off the nipple shield.

I still never made enough milk to stop supplementing with formula.

I had to return to work with only two months of maternity leave. I brought my pump and pumped twice a day. My son was far more attached to his bottle because of its easy flow.

Breastfeeding became less of a time for us to bond and more of me trying to remain calm while he didn’t want to latch. I would often experience IBS. I watched my other friends breastfeed easily and became resentful while they remained supportive of me.

After five months of trying to get off this breastfeeding detour and be able to exclusively breastfeed, I was emotionally exhausted.

My husband often witnessed my struggles with my son crying and me attempting to get him to latch. During one of these instances, I looked at my husband with tears in my eyes, and we both knew it was time to stop breastfeeding.

I’m now one of those moms I used to judge feeding my son formula in public. I’ve learned a very valuable lesson and do my best to no longer pass judgment upon other mothers.

There are countless parenting philosophies, and many feel their way is best. I believe the best way to parent is with love.

My formula-fed son is thriving, and I no longer feel guilt; only hope that I will get to travel the breastfeeding road and not just the detour with my next child.

Update: I got pregnant two years later but sadly had a miscarriage. After that, I never got pregnant again. But, I've dedicated my life to supporting plus size people during pregnancy and postpartum – whatever their journey looks like – without judgment. We learn so much from our experiences, and they shape us into stronger humans.

Jen McLellan, CBE
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29 Comments

  1. I have 28 weeker twins who were in the NICU for three months. My breastfeeding story is very similar to yours. Somehow, I was able to get a strong latch two months after they were home and they both part time nursed and drank formula from a bottle, but like you, the guilt ate me up. It was sooo hard to come to terms with. However, I want to say why I feel so angry when I read in nursing books or natural parenting blogs that nursing and breastmilk are the ONLY way and it’s the way nature intended. NATURE doesn’t take all that good care of babies who are born very sick. NATURE actually allows for babies like these to pass away, and this is where intensive science and medical intervention step in to undo what nature is intending. This is where a human made formula saves lives. Certain babies are here because of real miracles through medical interventions. When I finally realized this, my guilt was gone, and and I was able to feel so grateful for the fact that modern science saved my daughters’ lives. Thank you for this post. You are a wonderful mother.

  2. I had trouble with my daughter losing a lot of weight within the first 2 days of exclusive breast feeding. I was told to supplement with a tubing system. I also used herbs. This became too trying and I became so stressed out because I was pushed by the lactation consultant to keep trying. After 3 weeks, supplementation soon became full on formula feeding. My daughter finally gained weight and was able to sleep through the night.
    When I was pregnant with my son I was bound and determined that this time would be different. He too began to lose weight. The consultant I had this time was very supportive. She told me that it appeared that I had very little milk producing breast tissue and no matter what I did that I may never be able to make enough. I supplemented and I tried herbs, meds & pumping. When nothing changed, she told me that I shouldn’t feel bad because I tried my best. So, it was formula feeding again.
    I decided that I would still let my son nurse when he was tired and needed soothing to sleep. He decided at seven months that he didn’t want to do this anymore. So even though I couldn’t provided the nutrition he needed, I was still able to have bonding with him and provide the comfort that he needed.

  3. You did great. I think we all get caught up in silly ‘mommy wars.’ You did the most important thing you could have done, the best for your child. Feel no guilt because that makes you a good mother!

  4. I am so glad you shared this. I have 3 babies 2 year 19 months and 5 weeks and am finally having my first positive breastfeeding experience. I learned with the first 2 not to let the “rules” they throw down your throat control my breastfeeding. I only got 3 months with the first 2. Its a lot harder than people lead on.

  5. So this is my story twice now, “I’m now one of those moms I used to judge feeding my son formula in public. I’ve learned a very valuable lesson and do my best to no longer pass judgment upon other mothers.” Parenting is part love and part survival, depending on how tired you are, you go with one your are most capable of giving. Now pregnant with my third child, I still have hopes and dreams of being a breastfeeding mommy.

  6. I did all the same things hings and could never produce enough I kept trying and time at the breast was just stressful for both of us and nerve wracking .. people still make me feel bad that I give my daughter formula but you know what my daughter is a healthy happy baby none the less but know I was not the only one to do everything… I tried every trick fenugreek blessed thistle my vitamins mothers milk drinking one beer oatmeal flaxseed I smelled like maple syrup 24/7 I was going crazy and my family amd husband were the ones to finally sit me down and say enough was enough that could not keep stressing both my daughter and myself out any more

  7. Thank you for this post. We have amazing similar stories as far as my little one being 3 weeks early and pretty much everything else including syringe feeding. My supply just never came in, and we found out our little one was very badly tongue tied.
    I have always had a lot of guilt about not being able to breastfeed I truly believe it is the best thing and most natural thing for babies.
    But it just wasn’t in the cards and nobody around me had ever breastfed so I was looked at as weird to begin with. I hope that next time around it will happen. But I know that no matter what I love my son and he is perfectly healthy and happy.

    1. Thanks for sharing mama. It’s hard but knowing we aren’t alone kinda helps. I have to believe that next time will be different for both of us.

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