“Mommy, I really want a brother!”
My 5 year old says this to me at least weekly. In the beginning I'd try to explain how mommy and daddy weren’t sure if we'd have another baby. Then there was a period of time when I played into his desires of becoming a sibling, because I too wanted nothing more than to make another baby. Now, however, after years of no baby I ask myself if pregnancy after miscarriage is even possible.
In the summer of 2012, I had a miscarriage and for the past 3 years my husband and I have never actively tried for another baby. Yet, we've never made any attempts to not get pregnant either. It's like there's the unspoken pact that “trying” means setting ourselves up for disappointment.
“Mommy, I want my brother's name to be Michael.”
Last year my son named his future sibling Michael. I wonder what goes through his little head as mommy and daddy have yet to grant his wish for a little baby brother (or sister if he doesn’t get his way).
This past week he decided to change name of his desired brother from Michael to Jamison. Jamison is the name of his new best friend at school and he likes that name better.
I wonder if he thinks that by changing the baby's name, he will change his current situation of being an only child.
The day we lost our family of 4, I was so angry. Angry at my body. Angry I had no control over what was happening. My husband tried to comfort me. Yet he couldn't understand the depth of my desperation for answers to questions I would never find. Why me? Why us? Why now?
My why questions have now turned into when questions….when will pregnancy after miscarriage happen to me? When will I grant my son his wish? When will I fully heal?
For now, I’m just trying to keep a smile on my face while waiting on a rainbow…a rainbow baby.
If you're feeling triggered, like I am today, I want to share this resource my dear friend Amanda and I have put together for our new project, Peachie Moms. It's a tool to help walk you through the grief of having a miscarriage or stillbirth. You are NOT alone!
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