Skip to Content

Miscarriage: Life After Loss

I was in 8th grade when my mother had her hysterectomy. I’ll never forget visiting her in the hospital with a room overlooking a busy freeway.

Under a heavily medicated state, she talked about how life just continues on.

She said in the grand scheme of things that she was quite insignificant.

It took me 20 years but following my miscarriage in 2012, I finally understood her morphine-induced poetic words.

For some, miscarriage is a difficult loss but not very impactful.

For others, it’s a devastating experience that leaves women broken.

I landed somewhere in the middle.

My miscarriage occurred just a few days before I was laid off so I didn’t have much time to mourn the loss. I immediately got back on the freeway and just continued on with my life as I shared within my article A Burst of Love: First Trimester Miscarriage

Sometimes it doesn’t feel as if it ever happened as if the pregnancy never existed. Just as nothing appeared when my midwife and I looked at the ultrasound machine together.

Then there are times when the pain I experienced, as I lost my baby, still aches deep within. I'm often reminded that my loss was real as I look upon my 4-year-old only child.

As life keeps passing by I find myself about to turn 35 and wondering if it's too late to have the rainbow baby my heart aches for. 

My husband and I made the choice not to become pregnant again right away because we were trying to be responsible. One moment I was the breadwinner for my family and the next I found myself crying in the parking lot of a government office about to apply for assistance.

The support we didn’t qualify for but would’ve received if I had gotten pregnant again right away. Life is sometimes funny that way.

Now as I watch my independent son thrive, the idea of sleepless nights with an infant fully dependent upon me is daunting.

I know lack of sleep is something I could overcome, but the thought of possibly losing another pregnancy is paralyzing.

I worry that if I do become pregnant again I'll have a tingle of fear each time I go to the bathroom.

Will there be blood?

Will my body reject a piece of my heart once more?

Can I go through the anguish of feeling completely alone in my loss once again even though my husband did all he could to comfort me?

So many questions and fears. Yet also so little time left to decide what to do.

One of the hardest things for me about life after loss is the loneliness.

When I try to speak with my husband about it, I see within his eyes that he's still processing what happened.

I change the conversation or just start talking about the possibility of another baby. 

When I connect with someone else who has been there, it never seems to be the right time to have a deep conversation.

Just this past weekend I stood with a fellow loss mom in the middle of a chaotic party. I had time to tell her how sorry I was for her loss and give her a long hug. Then we were pulled in different directions.

When I've felt brave enough to speak to close friends who have never experienced a loss, they tend to downplay it.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be. You're lucky you lost the pregnancy so early. 

I don't feel lucky.

My arms feel empty.

I go back to remaining quiet because it's easier that way for everyone else…besides me.

When we’re silent about miscarriage and infant loss, we make women feel just like my mother did that day in her hospital room; insignificant.

This is my life after loss, and as messy as it feels, I'm speaking out in hopes it helps others to feel less alone and more significant.

pregnancy loss
plussizebirth
Follow me

Denise

Wednesday 27th of April 2016

This is very well written. I too lost 3 babies to miscarriages. My 4th pregnancy went very well until the day (my due date) I no longer felt my beautiful daughter move inside me and ended up having an emergency c-section to save her life. Then One week after my c-section I went into heart failure. My husband almost lost both of us. That was almost 5 years ago. Today we are all happy and healthy and I thank God that we are. I often think about the 3 babies we lost and often feel guilty that my daughter will have no siblings. Ultimately I can not change what happened. It is tough but I focus my energy on my beautiful daughter. Thank you for writing this

Anna

Wednesday 27th of April 2016

I lost my first baby in February of 2015. Around the same time I found out about the pregnancy, I was diagnosed with a thyroid condition. Between losing the baby I had been wanting my whole life, and a diagnosis of a disease that turned my world upsidedown, I have become very lost. Anxiety and depression topped off with a very scary violent temper. It has pushed my relationship with my boyfriend to the edge of breaking up.

In October 2015, we found out that we were expecting again. The freight train of fear I initially felt when that plus sign showed up still rumbles through my chest 7 months into my pregnancy.

I find myself having a very difficult time, still, trying to fully embrace the tiny miracle growing within me. A constant fear that every appointment is going to end with me walking out of the doctor's office embarrassed and ashamed that my body failed me again, mourning the loss of another child I will never embrace, afraid to continue on with my life. It is a fear that consumes my time and energy and prevents me from enjoying the experience of pregnancy.

I know that lots of women experience a miscarriage and seek comforting words and I wish that I could offer some. I have none to share. I can only hope that no one has to experience this the same way I have.

Ashley

Wednesday 27th of April 2016

I have experienced two losses. The first was not a miscarriage but a sudden, heartbreaking SIDS death at just 5 months and 10 days old, when I was 16. My angel son was born postmature (43 weeks) and was only 4 lbs 7 oz. They thought he was a preemie but he had all the signs of a full term baby. He was placed with a beautiful and loving family who was able to care for him better than a sophomore in high school could. He had no health problems but he passed away in his sleep on February 24, 2007. I've been assured it wasn't my fault but it still haunts me.

My miscarriage was technically an abortion I suppose, but to me it still counts. I was 21 and my rainbow son was 2 years old. I started having unusually heavy bleeding with no cramps after 2 months of no periods (I have PCOS so that's not uncommon for me), then sharp pain that nearly rendered me unconscious. In the emergency room I had an ultrasound and it turned out I was pregnant, and the embryo had implanted partway into my fallopian tube. It didn't appear that I was actively miscarrying because you could see the heartbeat still. But because I was bleeding so heavily, they feared my tube had ruptured, and I was rushed to emergency surgery. I had to have a D&C to save my life, and I lost my left fallopian tube. I woke up a few hours later feeling empty, even though I hadn't even known I was pregnant until that day.

I now have 2 beautiful children, a 7 year old son and a 2 year old daughter, and I'm so grateful for them. I still miss the little boy I gave birth to when I was 15, who would be 10 this year, and the baby I didn't know about until it was too late and it nearly killed me, who would be 4. I hesitate out of instinct when people ask me how many kids I have - it's hard to explain that I have 2 children in my arms but 4 in my heart.

It doesn't matter how long you knew your baby. If you wanted it, you loved it, and it hurts just the same to lose it, whether you ever got to lay eyes on it or not.

janna

Monday 10th of November 2014

Jusy found your site and I'm in love! I'm a plus size momma and lost my third baby at almost 10 weeks. However only 3 months later I found out I'm expecting again, then a few weeks after that, had an ultrasound and found out I'm having twins!! All in God's plan! So thankful for other mommas who know where I've been. Bunches of love!!

plussizebirth

Monday 10th of November 2014

Janna I'm so sorry for your loss but huge congrats on your pregnancy. How exciting - bunches of love for sure!