How to Rekindle Your Relationship After Having a Baby
I’ll never forget when my son turned 9 months old and I came to an intense realization…I had become a great mom but a terrible partner. You see, I had poured my everything into my new role as “mom” that I had completely neglected my role as “partner”. My husband and I hardly kissed one another anymore – it was all about handing off our son and sharing his daily feeding schedule and milestones.
Thankfully everything I was feeling was normal! Everything I was experiencing was normal! You might be reading this now shaking your head, as you’re experiencing this now (or remembering what it felt like). Relationships take work and can become easily neglected…even for the best of reasons like motherhood.
I was so thrilled when Sarah Tie, a mental health therapist, and the owner of Winding Path Counseling wanted to write about how to rekindle your relationship after having a baby for the Plus Size Mommy Memoirs blog. I truly hope you’ll not only read her tips but implement them into your life. I can speak from experience that sparking up that flame again is well worth the time and energy it takes!
I’m going to lay out some pillars of a good relationship for you: good communication, trust, physical affection, a good sex life, emotional support, shared interests, equality in the relationship, and time spent together having fun.
Got it? Great! Now, insert baby here…
Oh mama… You’re tired, your body feels and looks different, there’s a baby in your bed, and you’re pouring all your time, energy, body, and soul into keeping this tiny human alive. In the beginning, it’s a struggle to remember to eat, let alone make time for your relationship.
Over time, as you adjust to this new person and things settle into a routine, you and your partner slowly become more comfortable with your roles as parents. But what about your roles as partners?
It’s so easy to get swept up in the intensity and demands of new parenthood that you forget about being a couple. You may not even be sure how to be a couple anymore. You care deeply about your baby and you want to do what’s best for her, but you don’t have to forget about your relationship and your happiness to do that. On the contrary:
When you and your partner are happy and healthy, your baby is getting the best from you both.
So, I want to share with you some tips for how to make renewing your relationship easier after having a baby:
Talk to Each Other
Having a baby can be an opportunity for growth in your relationship. Dealing with a sudden increase in stress (a baby, for example!) tends to increase conflict and intensifies any issues that already existed between you and your partner. If you can slow down and take time to really talk to each other, you can figure out how to support each other and grow together.
Talk about what you need from each other physically and emotionally. Talk about your parenting differences and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Also, talk about what you love to do together and how you want to spend your time when you do get time alone. If you can do this you may find that you have gotten much closer than you were before having a baby!
If you’re looking for more tips on how to talk with your partner, I wrote a free guide on improving communication skills for couples. Click here if you’d like a copy!
Before having a baby, it’s easy to be spontaneous and surprising. After you have a baby, though, you need to be much more deliberate about your relationship.
Plan date nights ahead of time, have a regular babysitting schedule, and make time for sex before you’re dead tired and dropping into bed at the end of the day. This might feel awkward at first, but scheduling regular time for each other is important when there are so many other demands on your time and attention.
Take the Whole Family Out
Getting out and having fun with your partner doesn’t always have to mean leaving the baby behind. Go out to dinner and bring the baby in the car seat, go on a beautiful drive, or simply go for a walk with your partner and take the stroller. Having a change of scene and getting outside can do wonders for your mood and relationship.
Let People Help (and Save Money!)
Chances are you have family or friends that would love to help you more than they do. Go ahead and take advantage of that when you need it. Let them take the baby and give yourselves time off. Another great option is to find a babysitting co-op and trade babysitting with other nearby parents.
Let Go of Guilt
I have one last piece of advice that I would really like you to take to heart: start shedding some of that mom/parent guilt. We live in a society that heavily enforces the flawed idea that you owe all your spare time and energy to your kids. I know that it is hard to escape that feeling, but try. Take time away from the baby, put yourselves first sometimes, and don’t feel bad about it.
You have weathered the storm that is having a newborn and you are a mom now (and I bet you are rocking it!), but you’re allowed to be so much more than that. Have fun, enjoy your partner and your relationship, and tell the mom guilt where to shove it. Show your kids what a blast it is to have happy parents.
Hey mamas! If you are looking for more help improving your relationship, I also wrote a free guide to improving communication skills for couples. Click here if you’d like a copy!
Sarah Tie is a mental health therapist and the owner of Winding Path Counseling. She’s passionate about helping new moms survive and thrive during the difficult transition to parenthood, and educating other providers and birth professionals in maternal mental health issues. You can follow Sarah on Facebook.
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