First Trimester Miscarriage – A Burst of Love
Trigger warning for miscarriage and suicidal thoughts following a first trimester miscarriage.
Iโm pregnant? Iโm pregnant.
Oh, my goodness Iโm pregnant!
Finding out I was expecting my second child was so exciting.
The time seemed right.
My son was almost two, I had a great career and my marriage was strong.
My husband, Chris, and I were ready to grow our family from three to four.
Just a few days after finding out I was expecting I got on a plane with my son, Braeden, to celebrate my motherโs 60th birthday.
I knew this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to tell my parents in person that they were going to have another grandbaby.
My sister and I conspired a special way to share the news by making an โIโm going to be a big brotherโ shirt.ย
A post shared by Plus Mommy (@plusmommy) on Jun 14, 2017 at 9:42pm PDT
When my mother saw Braeden in his shirt she leaped out of her chair crying happy tears.
My dad had this special look of pride on his face that Iโll forever remember.
That moment was beautiful and the entire visit was magical.
Braeden and I had returned home for a few days when I noticed some blood after going to the bathroom.
I was also having intense and painful stomach issues.
Chris remained strong and positive but I was scared.
Related: Pregnancy Loss for Dads and Partners
The next morning I called my boss and told her I was going to the doctor.
While it wouldโve been nice to have my husband with me, I didnโt see the sense in dragging our toddler to the doctorโs office.
I went alone and had blood taken and then met with my midwife for an ultrasound.
We looked together and didnโt see anything.
With Braeden, there was a fetal sack but nothing else appeared at 8 weeks. By 10 weeks we saw more than just a sack and heard his perfect little heart beating.
That day, 6 weeks into my pregnancy, we didnโt see anything and I was sent downstairs to radiology for a more in depth ultrasound.
I hoped my weight was preventing anything from being picked up on my midwifeโs little machine but deep down I knewโฆI knew that I had lost the baby.
Related: What 5 Miscarriages And One Stillbirth Taught Me About PCOS
I returned to work after radiology came back with the same results my midwife had. I was numb but my midwife told me that she never gives up hope and maybe it was just too early.
While I sat in my office trying to somehow focus on work I received another blow.
A co-worker gave me a heads up that my job was being looked at for year-end cuts.
The job I had been at for seven and a half years and provided the ability for Chris to work part-time and be a full-time dad.
I drove home in a daze and a few hours later I started having intense cramping. Then bloodโฆ.so much blood. I was angry and confused.
I had just miscarried our child.
Chris tried to remain supportive but I was inconsolable.
Pain. Anger. Loss. Pain, pain, painโฆ.
Related: Miscarriage: Life After Loss
I took the following day off work and even met with some close friends for margaritas that evening.
Tequila made everything feel normal for a moment.
I spent the weekend attempting to keep that feeling of normal going strong by taking my son to the zoo with friends.
Deep down I just wanted to SCREAM!!!
I wanted to express how unfair I felt everything was and how I wasnโt ready for my pregnancy to be over and possibly also lose my job.
I returned to work awaiting the inevitable while looking for any sign that all of this was just a horrible nightmare.
When two colleagues walked into my office and closed the door behind them I knew it was over.
After they told me I was laid off everything else was drowned out by my tears and thoughts of how my family would survive this additional loss. They watched me pack all of my personal belongings and walked me out to my car as if I was a criminal being escorted off the premises.
The same company that threw me surprise baby showers in two different states when I was pregnant with my son.
The company I had worked at since I was 24 and thought of my colleagues as family.
I was without a job during one of the worst times for unemployment.
First, my body rejected me and then my employer.
Related: Why Iโm Not Mad About Kateโs Plus Size Pregnancy Storyline On This Is Us
I became extremely depressed.ย
I applied for countless jobs that paid $20,000 less than I had been making.
My passion for birth was a distant memory because how could I support others during pregnancy when I couldnโt even keep mine.
I tried to process my loss by searching the internet for miscarriage support sites but it was difficult to find a place to belong.
Who was I to talk about loss when I had a first trimester miscarriage?
I know women who birthed their babies without ever hearing them cry or take a first breath.
How could I grieve a loss that I never even felt flitter within me?
At the end of June, before my medical insurance was cut off, I met with a doctor and requested a prescription for an antidepressant. I had a feeling I was going to need it even though I had never been on medication before.
Without having a care provider to monitor how the medication was working I started experiencing insomnia.
Soon after that, I had detailed fantasies of locking myself in the bathroom and slitting my wrists.
I planned out all the details from how Iโd have candles lit to the music that would be playing.
Finally, I consulted with a pharmacist who told me insomnia and suicidal thoughts were a side effect of the antidepressants I was taking.
Why did I wait so long to figure out what was making me a broken version of the woman I once was?
The toll all of this had taken on me also had an effect on my marriage. Something needed to change quickly so I started to wean myself off the medication and then just stopped taking it.
Along with getting off the antidepressant, friends and family helped to pull me out of my disparity in October.
They reminded me of my worth, my passion for helping others, and my spark slowly returned.
Related: Miscarriage: Somewhere Over The Rainbow: Giving Birth After Pregnancy Loss
My passion for birth work was back and I enrolled in a childbirth education certification program. I slowly started to share the fact that I had a miscarriage as others shared their losses on the Plus Mommyย Facebook page.
I found comfort in helping others know they werenโt alone because it also helped me to realize that I wasnโt.
Today it has been about a year and a half since my miscarriage. While it has taken me this long, Iโm finally finding myself again.
The photo below was taken by my cousin and it perfectly encompasses how I feel about my lossโฆa burst of love that faded away too soon.
Itโs framed in my home as a tribute to a baby that my husband and I were never intended to hold but will always keep in our hearts.
1 in 4 women will experience pregnancy or infant loss.
The statistics are staggering but not many people are talking about it. If you or someone you love has experienced a loss please seek support if youโre struggling!ย ย
A pregnancy loss, no matter how soon, is still a loss.ย I was not alone. You are not alone. ย ย
Cover photo by Acoma Street Photographyย
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I can totally relate I miscarried in 2009, it would have been my 3 child and sometimes I still feel the pain from it , I been actively trying to get pregnant for a year I have taken so many pregnancy test ugh I’m overweight and blame myself for everything finding this page has really encouraged me but it still gets hard
I really hope you can find a way to let go of the blame Jeraldine. The loss of your baby was not your fault. It wasn’t. Please know that and I’m so sorry for your loss.
I Am 1 In 4.
Sending you love Suzie!
My mom was told that her son who died at birth wouldn’t have died if she hadn’t been “fat”. That was 40 years ago but some doctors feel the same way today. So sad.
Ceep that’s terrible that someone told your mom that! People can be so cruel. 1 in 4 women experience loss. Women of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds. I hope your mother doesn’t blame herself.
I lost my 2nd pregnancy due to it being ectopic. Hearing that word, “ectopic”, made my heart wrench. It’s been almost 3 years.
My midwife had that concern for me and that was another reason I was sent to radiology. Hearing those words scared me. You experienced it. I can’t imagine. Sending you so much love! I’m so sorry for your loss.
The same thing happened to me almost a year ago – ectopic with my second pregnancy. I had this incredible sense of loss, even just two weeks after missing my period. It was even more surreal because I didn’t have any pain like you expect with a tubal pregnancy – just a period level of bleeding for two weeks straight right in the middle of what would have been my normal cycle. Once everything was “taken care of”, it was almost like it never happened. I was upset with myself for moving on so quickly. Now I’m 28 weeks along with our second child, but even saying that makes me feel like I’m just brushing our “first-second” baby aside. I try not to dwell on it, but it’s hard to know how to feel about losing a baby you only knew about for a few days. I’m incredibly happy for our second child (another girl), but it’s hard to be and not still be mourning the loss of one that was never meant to be.
Thanks for sharing your story. You are not alone. Big hugs. Sarah, managing editor, http://www.mamalode.com
Sarah thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I feel honored. Thank you also for your kind words.
I am 1 in 4. I lost my first child at 9 weeks gestation about 2 months ago. thank you for sharing your story!
I’m so sorry for your loss Jessica. You’re not alone!
Sorry for your lost.
I just became 1 in 4 this past August…
Oh Moriah I’m so sorry!!! Sending you love!
Sorry for your lost.
I became 1 in 4 on July 17th.
I’m so sorry for your recent loss Liz.
My miscarriages were hard for a lot of reasons. The losses were too difficult for my then husband of 13 years. He didn’t know how to be there for me and he refused to get help; professional help. I never grieved. I was too angry with my ex-husband and suffering with my own emotions. I didn’t know what was happening. Through it all I met an amazing OBGYN who helped me find an amazing counselor/therapist. I would have been so much worst off if it wasn’t for all the therapy. I had my first miscarriage in January 2009 (first trimester). I had a preemie born January 2010 @ 24 weeks. I had a miscarriage in July 2012 and my doctor determined I had a weak cervix. At that point my marriage was pretty much over buut I was holding on to hope. Long story short I became pregnant again by my husband and that was really hard on me knowing my history. In March I was miscarrying again. I had a cerclage put in spent a week in the hospital and still lost the baby. My divorce was finalized a week ago.
Thank you for sharing. It has given me a chance to reflect on my own loss.
I became 1 in 4 after my first tour in Iraq. It was hard, but probably a blessing in disguise given everything I was exposed to. There was no way that little one would have had any quality of life.
Wow Darling. Thank you for sharing. While it was the best thing for you, I truly am sorry you experienced the pain of a loss.
I am also a 1 in 4 :/ I know exactly how you were feeling!! I found out I was pregnant Nov. 2009 (at age 20) and went for my first ultrasound Dec. 2009 and found out I lost my little angel at 8 weeks 5 days. I could not believe it because I had NO signs at all. I ended up having to go and get a D&C done to have my little one removed (since my body didn’t do it on its own) and then on Dec. 26, 2009 I ended up with SEVER pain and cramps and was rushed in to the er. After several tests I found out I had an infection and then was told I was probably NEVER going to have children. Worst feeling in the world! I fell into a depression and refused to get any help because I had it in my head that no one understood what I was going threw and they would not understand. I eventually pulled myself out of it and just learned to deal with the pain since I could not find any online support groups that made me feel comfortable. Now I am pregnant with with a healthy baby boy that is due on the 21st of this month. We call him our Miracle because I lived all these years thinking I was never to have a child and here I am with a healthy baby that is due any day now ๐
To all that are out there a little advice I wish I would have listened to: You are NEVER alone! It does not matter on WHEN you lose your angel (if it is first or third trimester) It hurts and you do not understand it. But remember YOU are NEVER alone!
I am so glad that I found Plus Size Birth because now I can read that I am not alone on many issues!
Alicia thank you for sharing your story and congratulations with your little Miracle! Thank you for also sharing that important message!!
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you have to be in this ‘club’. It’s been 7 years since my ectopic pregnancy and I still can’t write down the details. I did share some feelings on Monday, the anniversary, but it’s just how I have felt. The details still need to be protected for some reason.
Here is the post: http://myndie.blogspot.com/2013/10/not-anniversary-i-want-to-remember.html
Thank you for sharing Myndie and I’m truly sorry for your loss!
I am 1 in 4. January 2012 @ 7 weeks. You are not alone, and there is always hope. I delivered my 10 lb 2 oz, 22 inch long rainbow baby March 22 of this year.
I’m so very grateful.
My heart aches for you. We have been through several losses. I am disgusted with the doctors because they already have it set in their minds that this pregnancy will be a loss also…despite the fact that everything is fine with this pregnancy. Also they make me feel like they think that I am incapable of having a healthy pregnancy because of my weight and epilepsy.
I and my best friend both miscarried our first pregnancies. Then we both got pregnant and each have a son within a couple of months of each other.
It has been almost four years since we started actively trying to conceive our first child and since my first miscarriage (December 2009).
For that first six months, I tried to stay optimistic that we would have our baby but deep in the pit of my stomach I just had this awful feeling that we were in for a long trip down a tangled path. (We had not been using any form of birth control since February of 2009 and when I was 14 I had been diagnosed with pcos and told that I would probably not be able to have children.)
My second miscarriage was in June 2010 and by that time I was depressed and becoming increasingly suicidal. I felt so alone and it was like no one, not even my husband, could possibly understand what I was feeling and going through.
After my third miscarriage (October 2010 on my birthday) I was so low that I was looking up at rock bottom. I felt like all the life had been sucked out of me. I reached out to a friend and she told me about an online community she was part of. That was when I finally found love and support and I felt a little better, day by day. They were there for me on some of my darkest days. When I was sad, they lifted me up. When I needed an ear, someone was there for me. When I felt like I might fall, I leaned on them.
And when I couldnt stand, they carried me.
Without the ladies in my group, I dont know what I might have done when I suffered my fourth (July 2011), fifth (October 2011, days after my birthday) and sixth (September 2012) miscarriage.
The value of an online support group honestly cannot be measured in any way that I know of. Just knowing that youre not alone makes a world of difference!
One live birth, 5 miscarriages, one vanishing twin at 20 weeks, one special needs child, one etopic, two years of failed trying. No one wants to hear about the ones that don’t ‘count”. They count. I think about them all the time.
I had mmy first miscarriage in 1996. I was 19 and when I seen those two pink lines I was so excited. I then got in the bath tub and my legs slipped and I fell hard. That night I started cramping and the bleeding started the next morning. That child would have been 17 this month.
My second was in 2010. I began with the normal pregnancy symptoms sickness, sore breast, food aversion. Then around my fifth week my legs started swelling like the toxemiea I had with my second live birth. I talked to my ob and he said it east normal. A ultrasound showed.a sack but no fetal pole. Blood test showed my progestrone was low. I still had hope thinking it was to early. A few weeks went by and I started bleeding. On September 11th after more test there was still no baby and I was getting infected. I still had the sack so my Dr took me in for a d and c. I have had two more children since then. And I have four all together. Its just you always wonder what they was like and looked like.
Thank you for sharing your story Louann. Sending you and your family love!
After my oldest was born, I almost immediately got the baby blues. He grew too fast. I tried and tried to get pregnant. Th last few years I succeeded in getting pregnant 7 times but my body wouldn’t carry them past 3months. I gave up. I was sure it was because my weight. But my doctor shook his head and said “No” Now I have my little 9 month old after a complicated pregnancy.
Oh mama…I’m so sorry for your losses. <3 Congrats on your new little love bug! I'm sure you'll forever hold them extra tight.
::Hugs::
I hate that women have to go through this. After trying for 2 years, we finally got pregnant with our first – only to have it end with a blighted ovum at 8 weeks. My husbands job is horrible and wouldn’t let him have time off to go with me to doctors visits, so I took my mom. She still refers to it as “that time you thought you were pregnant” because the empty sac “didn’t look like a baby to me”. It hurts me that she doesn’t recognize my first conceived child as a loss, but it just hurt more every time I tried yet again to explain it to her..