My Breastfeeding Detour: When Expectations Meet Reality
Iโll be honest: I sometimes judged mothers I saw in public who gave their babies formula before I had my son.
My mom taught me the importance of natural birth and breastfeeding from a very young age. There's a picture of me breastfeeding one of my baby dolls when I was two and a half.
During my pregnancy, I had the utmost faith in my large breasts. And rather than taking a class, had two breastfeeding books on my nightstand.
I went into labor three weeks earlier than expected.
Only one book had been opened with a bookmark on chapter two.
My Breastfeeding Detour
Braeden's birth was beyond anything I could've imagined, and I was amazed by my body's strength.
But we never foresaw what happened next because during labor, everyone kept telling us he was โtermโ and there shouldnโt be any complications.
Itโs inconceivable how quickly the happiest moment in your life can turn into the scariest.
Within twenty-four hours, Braeden was in the NICU.
He did all of the things preemies often do: not being able to regulate blood sugar, jaundice, weight loss, and infection concerns.
Even through this, my expectation of breastfeeding my child did not falter.
I did not expect my ability to breastfeed would be detoured.ย
While in the NICU, Iโd strip down, not caring who was around, to provide my son with skin-to-skin contact and attempt breastfeeding.
Related:ย 4 Mom Approved Plus Size Nursing Pillows
We were only given thirty minutes every three hours to hold him. I had fifteen minutes to bond while trying to breastfeed. And saved the last fifteen minutes for a Supplemental Nursing System (SNS).
We fed our son a syringe full of my pumped breast milk.
My husband and I made a great team. We even taught one of the pediatric nurses working on the NICU floor how to do SNS feedings.
After twenty-four hours in the NICU, followed byย two nights andย three days in the hospital, a lot of time spent with lactation nurses, and one meeting with a pediatrician, we were sent home.
We were told to wake our son for feedings every two-three hours. But he didnโt need to continue with SNS feedings because he had a โperfect latch.โ
Once home, I sought breastfeeding advice from my doula and contacted the La Leche League. I had my mother's โhands-onโ support and was renting a hospital pump.
My supply just seemed to be dwindling.
Why oh why didnโt I take a breastfeeding class?
After two days of being parents on our own, we ended up back in the hospital.
This was due to Braedenโs jaundice getting worse and 15% weight loss.
I was a new mom full of guilt because I was unintentionally starving my infant.
I was so dedicated to breastfeeding that I wrote the note below on the whiteboard in our hospital room before any nurse had the opportunity to mention formula.
After three more nights in the hospital, we were released. This time we had a strong plan that included SNS feedings and a follow-up appointment.
Related:ย 6 Things Every Plus Size Breastfeeding Mom Needs
It wasnโt until the follow-up appointment, 9 days after Braedenโs birth, that a nurse realized that the โperfect latchโ didnโt have much behind it. She handed me a nipple shield, and I canโt even describe how amazing it was to finally feel my son pull at my nipple.
We were required to bring our son to bi-weekly weight checks to prove he was thriving. This was emotionally taxing, but his weight was slowly increasing, although not quite fast enough. We were told we had to start supplementing with formula.
As a new parent, still reeling from the guilt of starving my son, I was devastated but willing to do anything to see a strong weight gain.
We initially requested a milk bank prescription but were told we couldnโt have one because it was against their policy. We looked into it independently but realized we couldnโt afford it.
I kept pumping and gave him as much as I could produce along with the formula.
The formula immediately plumed him up, and after four more weight checks, we were cut free from the medical system. We could finally just go to regular pediatric appointments like most parents experience.
Related:ย The Best Plus Size Nursing Bras Andย Plus Size Nursing Tanks
Over the next two months, I researched and sought a lot of advice: I popped Fenugreek round the clock, drank Motherโs Milk Tea, pumped after every feeding, tried pumping while nursing, and weaned my son off the nipple shield.
I still never made enough milk to stop supplementing with formula.
I had to return to work with only two months of maternity leave. I brought my pump and pumped twice a day. My son was far more attached to his bottle because of its easy flow.
Breastfeeding became less of a time for us to bond and more of me trying to remain calm while he didnโt want to latch. I would often experience IBS. I watched my other friends breastfeed easily and became resentful while they remained supportive of me.
After five months of trying to get off this breastfeeding detour and be able to exclusively breastfeed, I was emotionally exhausted.
My husband often witnessed my struggles with my son crying and me attempting to get him to latch. During one of these instances, I looked at my husband with tears in my eyes, and we both knew it was time to stop breastfeeding.
Related:ย My Son Was Fed With Love And I Forgive Myself
Iโm now one of those moms I used to judge feeding my son formula in public. Iโve learned a very valuable lesson and do my best to no longer pass judgment upon other mothers.
There are countless parenting philosophies, and many feel their way is best. I believe the best way to parent is with love.
My formula-fed son is thriving, and I no longer feel guilt; only hope thatย I will get to travel the breastfeeding road and not just the detour with my next child.
Update: I got pregnant two years later but sadly had a miscarriage. After that, I never got pregnant again. But, I've dedicated my life to supporting plus size people during pregnancy and postpartum – whatever their journey looks like – without judgment. We learn so much from our experiences, and they shape us into stronger humans.
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I've heard some say that breastfeeding is a skill one must acquire and others say it is the most natural thing. I believe they are both true, for some. I was on the "this is hard" side of things, as you were. I have much faith and admiration for moms who struggle and persevere when something that is supposed to be so natural is not. You rock mama. There is season for everything. We do out best for as long as we can!
I think you did wonderfully! Giving your baby what milk you could for as long as you did has given him a great start! I was on the easy side I guess. The first 2 weeks were rough, but after that it came pretty easy and at 18 months we are still going strong.
Fingers crossed for you that next time you both have an easier time. Several friends and family members of mine have struggled with BFing as well, my SIL ended up with a staph infection so bad after her c-section that neighbors had to take her kids (including the newborn!) for a few days while she was passed out in bed from all the antibiotics and crap they had her on. Overcoming the difficulties you had as well as you did will just make next time easier!
You're amazing, Mama! I'm so proud of you for trying and trying and trying for 5 months! Most moms I've heard that were unable to be with their child right after birth, struggled with nursing. I think with some babies, if they don't get it right away, they don't get it at all. Even with my kids, Jack nursed right away and he always nursed like a champ. Charlotte had a much harder time latching and I couldn't get her to nurse right away, and she struggled for a long time. But, here we are at 14 months and still nursing.
You're doing a great job parenting with love. And I love your blog!
Love ya!
Jen
Thank you for your honesty. Sometime I feel resentment towards my friends because I'm having a hard time ttc and they seem to get preggers just taking a shower. Then I feel guilty for being resentful of people that are supportint me, so this part of your story hit home with me. Glad your son is doing well now. ๐
You did an awesome job. I don't know that I could have done it for as long with all the challenges you faced.
My sister (who had her own share of supplementing and severe supply struggles) had a lactation consultant tell her the two big rules to remember were 1) Enjoy the baby, and 2) Feed the baby.
In that order.
And that if #1 wasn't happening due to #2, then something had to give.
My niece is now 100% formula fed, and you know what? The world hasn't come to an end. She's a gorgeous, wonderful child and her parents are extremely happy and blessed.
As are you.
Kudos ๐
You did such a fantistic job and you should be so proud. There is so much more to being a great mum than breasts or bottles! You can read my story on breastfeeding/formula feeding at Bottle Babies – a facebook support group for women unable to breastfeed.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Bottle-Babies/120819361329359
Breast feeding is Soo hard! It took 5-6 weeks for Lincoln to get it. He latched great but just was a lazy nurser. So I pumped and pumped and kept trying. Now he takes both breast and bottle. I come from a family who doesn't understand breast feeding, they are alway making commits that he isn't getting enough. The guilt of feeling like your starving your baby is the worst. I even took a class it helped some, however, someone needs to talk about how hard it is. My advice to any new mom who wants to breast feed is find a support group those first few weeks and to never give up.
@Nicole. I am so happy that you have found what is best for you and you are encouraging new mums and mums to be to achieve their own breastfeeding goals. It is very hard when you don't have the support, when you want to breastfeed and you seem to be up against those who are not so supportive. I just want to add though that I understand you have the best intentions but tell a mum to never give up could be dangerous. I have read horrible stories of babies who have staved to death, become anorexic or extremely dehydrated because their mothers were told to 'not give up'
Breastfeeding is not 'best' if you a risking the life of your child to do it and you have the responsibility to 'give up' if that is what is best for you and your family.
I am not in anyway attacking you Nicole, just giving you another prospective on things ๐
I think you are an absolutely amazing mom! How hard that must have been for you. I admire your commitment to breastfeeding against all odds, and your ability to recognize when enough was enough. First and foremost, your commitment is to your son, and that is so apparent. You gave him some wonderful benefits by nursing him, and now you are helping him grow and thrive. I'm sorry you had such a difficult and emotional experience. I hear these types of stories a lot.
I was able to breastfeed successfully, but I have so many friends who struggled and ultimately had to make the decision you did. It broke their hearts, and I hated watching them go through it. So I get very angry when I see the judgement that goes on. It's not a competition, there is no right or wrong. It's each mom doing the best she can to care for her child. We do not know enough about other people's lives and situations to be able to make assumptions and pass judgement.
You should be very proud!
I'm so sorry breastfeeding was so difficult with your first!! I can relate; breastfeeding almost didn't work out with my first either. I remember all too well all the stress and anxiety over it.
You did GREAT doing as much as you did under such difficult circumstances, and it's completely understandable that eventually you needed to stop to preserve your sanity. I hope you know about the MOBI website, Mothers Overcoming Breastfeeding Issues. It's at:
http://mobimotherhood.org
They offer support and information for women struggling with breastfeeding issues, regardless of whether you end up needing to stop or not. They have lots of information about galactagogues and ways to improve milk production, but they also have support and information for when you need to stop in order to preserve your sanity and your relationship with your baby. It's a very supportive and non-judgmental site.
Some women of size have milk supply issues because of PCOS, PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. In this, mammary tissue is underdeveloped or hormonal issues interfere with supply. Your issues may have more to do with your baby's gestational age and latch issues…..but you might want to check further into PCOS just in case. (I have some posts on my blog coming up on this in the next few months, so stay tuned.)
Do know that many women who have had bfing troubles with their first baby are able to bf more easily the next time. It's not a guarantee, of course, but it is reason for optimism. But of course, while bfing is the ideal thing, it's not as much about what you feed them as it is about HOW you feed them……WITH LOVE.
Thank you for sharing so honestly about your journey.
Kudos to you for your efforts! Many women don't seek out the help and support they need in the way doulas and lactation consultants….or they don't even know that they are out there! People thought I was nuts because I was nursing for about an hour, pumping, feeding it back to my newborn, then supplementing him with 1/2 oz of formula AROUND THE CLOCK for 3 straight months. It was exhausting and I nearly went crazy. (Thank everything that is holy for my husband washing those pump parts!) By three months my son could nurse exclusively…but of course it was time to return to work and I never quite pumped enough. We supplemented until he was one and I was okay with that. I knew that I had made a massive effort in the beginning and I didn't see myself as having "lost" or some such nonsense. I hope you feel proud mama! Also, I just wanted to add that I would have never been able to nurse without a taking a medicine recommended by my doula. Domperidone. I ordered it from New Zealand and it allowed us to keep on nursing until 16 months. All the fenugreek and Mother's Milk tea would not have cranked up my supply like this stuff. Check it out on kellymom.com for the next time around. Love your blog!
Jen, I posted this on FB but thought I would place it here too.
As always your writing is superb, and your story will help heal so many mommas who try and try to breastfeed and instead end up feeling so much guilt and pain when their best laid plans go a rye.
I was once told, there are many many ways to nurse your baby, be it with a bottle or your breast, nursing means to provide care… loving care. Taking precious time everyday to gaze into your child's eyes, holding them close, cuddling and smelling their sweet smell, and crying because you love them so much it makes you want to jump out of your body. Doing all those things while feeding your baby is what "nursing" is all about, it is the essence of giving your baby the loving care that only a Mother can provide.
Nursing a baby takes many forms, bottle or breast, taking that sweet sacred time to slow down and connect with your child is ultimately more significant than what and how you nourish their bodies.
Jen, I love you and I admire how you are sharing your journey with the world. You are an inspiring, nursing Momma!
This is the type of story that really brings into perspective how important human milk for human babies can be. If I ever need to supplement I love the fact that I can now be hooked up with an online donor.
http://www.hm4hb.net/
I also had trouble getting my son to latch at first. He was born weighing only 5 lb 13 oz. He was so tiny and weak, my breasts so large, and my nipples were flat … I just couldn’t get a good latch. AT his first doctor apointment his weight had dropped to only 5lb 7 oz. I had to suppliment with fomula. This of course effected my milk supply. But I continued to try to pump and breast feed him along with the formula feeding. At first it broke my heart and I cried over it many times in sheer frustration. I felt like there was something wrong with me. As hard as I tried I was never able to pump more than 3 oz of milk.
As he grew his latch became stronger and I was able to breast feed him better. Still only able to pump small amounts of milk I have continued to both breast feed and use baby formula. My son is 5 months old, weighs 15 pounds and is happy and very healthy (never been sick). The guilt and anger with myself have melted away with every sweet little smile and and embrace I share with my beautiful baby boy. I feel so lucky and I know I am stronger now.
Wow, it’s like you’re writing my story! My son is 18mos and hasn’t breastfeed since six mos and hasn’t had a bottle since 12mos yet I’m just now getting over my formula guilt. Thank you for sharing your story.
I had similar problems. My first son was 5 lbs 13 oz and we never got him to latch on correctly. The lactation consultants decided he would be better able to do that once he got bigger, but by that time he was bottle spoiled and would have nothing of it. I pumped for 6 months, until my supply dwindled to the point I was providing far more formula than breast milk and had to decide between staying more hours in front of pump, or playing with my more mobile son. The guilt was terrible for me. I didn’t get pregnant on my own due to PCOS, I didn’t give birth on my own (c section) and didn’t breast feed on my own, so I felt like a darwinian failure…
My daughter born a few weeks ago was a perfect latch from within minutes of being born. She’s still doing great and gained 7 oz over her birth weight for her 2 week checkup. It really is something unique to each child, and you have to look at what that child needs without judgement.
I had similar issues with large breasts. Both of my kids had trouble latching on when they were born (3 years apart) and with my first I had resigned that I was going to have to pump and supplement forever until one Sunday morning my pump broke and I instantly burst into tears as we did not have the funds to just run out and get another! But my husband calmed me down and suggested trying to get him to latch and he did and we never looked back. Exact thing happened with my daughter the only other little thing was until about 5months for both of them I would have to use my other hand to hold my breast up off their faces so they didnt suffocate while feeding but both are thriving. What gets me is the extreme effort some of us put into trying and how easy it would be for some people but they choose to never even try.
No guilt. You rocked it. I’m a breastfeeding-baby-wearing-cloth-diapering yogi mama. I’m lucky the bfing has been the usual amount of difficult, but I totally see why people stop, especially after returning to work. I’m just in awe of your story, you’re awesome and you should own that. No guilt. One thing I’ve learned is never say never. Or always. You just do what you have to for your child. Thanks for sharing!
I had lots of troubles with my son too, leading to a chronically low supply that never increased despite consuming copious amounts of fenugreek, goat’s rue, and other herbs, doing acupuncture, and all kinds of remedies i was promised would bring me back up. Around 6 months my breasts simply quit producing milk altogether.
I was determined things would be different with my daughter, and despite a rocky start, we are doing MUCH better than before with my first. I know you can do it and will do it with your next one. Every baby is different.
I too am struggling with supply and it I end up in tears at various points during the week. When the midwives ask about supply I know they are only trying to help but feel automatically like I am failing. My eight and a half week early (born at 31.5 weeks) baby has been in special care, next step from NICU (intensive care) for a month now, with no home date in sight yet. I have large breasts and while was aware that some mother’s have problems with breastfeeding, never thought I’d be one.
Expressing is very different to feeding. My baby is usually supplemented with formula feeds twice a day and has breast milk for the remaining 6. I breastfeed twice a day for about 15 minutes as my baby tires very quickly from the demand of sucking on her, but when I feel her pull milk from me and we are both content – it is the best feeling. I’m taking the view that as much breast milk as I can provide is better than none, while most days I’m strong and can feel good about this, there are days where the guilt eats away at me.